This weekend was insane. I think I fell in love with every single one of my friends a hundred times over. Those of you that read this, you mean more to me than anyone else on this planet. I mean that. I’d be so utterly lost without you guys. You make me.
I don’t think I’ve been that genuinely happy in a while. This year has had a rough start. But I’ve got through most of it, and I’m getting through the rest. Being out with so many people on Saturday, it was incredible. Everything about it, I was completely in my element. I wouldn’t have given up that for anything.
But now I feel like I’m losing it. It’s like everyone’s been talking at me and trusting me with all these different things to lead me different directions and all of a sudden I don’t know where I am anymore. I signed up for a music journalism course in London. I’m not really sure why. I can’t really afford it. I just need to do something I’m passionate about somewhere else for a while. There’s so much I’ve lost sight of this past year, and I’m not really sure what I’m left with.
I’ve forsaken so much lately, barely realising most of the time. The thought of failing, of succeeding, all of it, it’s just seemed – I’m not sure if it’s been too distant, or just too much, but either way… I’ve reached a low point. I’ve acted like such an idiot. I’m still acting like such an idiot. Whatever I decided I wanted to work for when I first came to Birmingham, I’ve lost it. I used to be so driven. I knew what I wanted to achieve, and I had so much hope. In fairness, I still do have a lot of hope. It’s just… Different somehow. And now some of the people I adore the most are drawing into question the reality of the things I care about. I’m meant to trust what these guys say – that’s part and parcel of this whole thing we call being friends. But when what I’m hearing makes me doubt so much… Where am I meant to turn?
I’m nervous. I’m anxious. I’m terrified. My morals are questionable, and my priorities are far from in order. I don’t have a clue. Sometimes I feel like this city is swallowing me whole. I’m far from the person I was when I came here. I thought that was a good thing, but now I’m starting to wonder if it really is.
I need some sunny afternoons. I need some picnics, or some days spent in town. I need to go shopping (well, window shopping), or chill through someone’s band practice, or spend a few hours on someone’s sofa watching films. I need intoxicated nights that end in drunken singalongs sat on someone’s floor. I need people to stop telling me which parts of my life are genuine and which aren’t. I know who I can trust, and I know how far. I know who, and what, I care about. I don’t need to doubt that. Insecurities are bad enough without being played into.
I guess I just want someone to tell me I’m right. My friends are my friends, and we all do really care. Maybe I’m overreacting (okay, there’s no maybe about it), but that someone could say this to me and believe it, that hurt, and it hurt a lot. I don’t really know what else to say. My mind has been reeling and spinning all day.
I’m drawing a line in the dirt, or the dust, or whatever it is that’s been gathering around here of late. I’m going to don my determined/stubborn voice (one and the same, mardy arse), I’m going to play the new Howler track, and I’m going to get on with things. I don’t have to listen to this stuff if I don’t want to, right?